The Purifying Flame Guide for Phoenix Icarus

The Purifying Flame Guide for Phoenix Icarus

Before reading this guide, I assume you have a basic knowledge of Icarus and DotA terminology. If you dont know the effects of Icaruss skills, go to the Heroes page.

Contents


1.0 Why (Not) Pick Icarus?
1.1 Friends
1.2 Counters
2.0 Skill Usage
2.1 Icarus Dive
2.2 Fire Spirits
2.3 Sun Ray
2.4 Supernova
3.0 Gameplay and Builds
3.1 Lane Control Build
3.2 Heavy Killing[Risky] Build
3.3 All-Game Strategy
3.4 Early Game
3.5 Mid Game
3.6 Late Game
4.0 Replays
4.1 The Good
4.2 The Bad
4.3 The Ugly


Why Pick Icarus?

* You like ganking
* You like an action-packed game
* You do well under pressure
* You are willing to sacrifice yourself for the good of the team

Pros
[+]Good attack animation
[+]Not too difficult to master
[+]Good starting STR and STR gain
[+]Little to no mana problems early game
[+]Built in blink
[+]Hard to kill early game

Why Not Pick Icarus?

* You like farming
* You like right-click heroes
* You hate supporting
* You play solo

Cons
[-]Fades toward lategame
[-]Very situational ultimate
[-]0 starting armor and low AGI gain
[-]Runs out of mana quite quickly during Sun Ray
[-]More vunerable than most casters after using his combo.
[-]Low base MS

Friends

Carries

Icarus is a good friend to carries, thanks to his early game heal and late game slow and disarm.

Stunners

Stunners are a great help to Icarus as they allow him to complete his ult and also help him hit people with his laser.

Counters

Carries
Yes, carries also counter Icarus. Fast attack speeds=dead sun.

Image Heroes
Image heroes completely own Icaruss ult, able to get twice as many hits in as anybody else or more. Also, its double the pain vs. TB or PL.

Silencer

Silencer f***s up Icarus so badly, its not even funny. He kills any Dive combo, and without your Dive+Nova combo, you will die during your ult. Also, he stops your allies from casting spells to save you.

Skill Usage

Icarus Dive
Icarus Dive (henceforth referred to as Dive) is mainly used for setting up Icaruss other skills. Dive is a blink when used with Supernova and Fire Spirits(henceforth referred to as Spirits). Do not attempt to stop in the middle of a dive with Sun Ray (henceforth referred to as Laser). It wont stop the dive and it costs another chunk of your HP. Dive is also a good harassing skill used in moderation. Use it to initiate fights by using a Dive+Supernova combo. Gank and escape ganks by doing a Dive+Spirits combo to an upper ledge.

Fire Spirits
Fire Spirits is what makes Icarus such a good supporter/babysitter for carries. At Level 3, he has a 240 damage heal if the carry gets harassed to badly, or a 180(counting magic resistance) nuke. It is also the main skill used to end a Dive. The most important thing to remember about Spirits, however, is that each spirit has a small AoE. Remembering this will much improve your efficiency. Also, never nuke using Spirits late game. You will have wasted a heal and barely tickled anyone.

Sun Ray
Sun Ray is mainly used to kill fleeing targets and/or slow them down for allies. It is one of the few spells that scales well to late game, as it deals a percentage of your opponents HP in Pure damage, meaning that it is not reduced by magic resistance. The main thing to learn about Sun Ray is when to turn it off. It eats mana like a b****, but to cast it, you sacrifice a nasty 25% of your HP. Turn it off if your opponent went directly sideways relative to you, or went invisible. Keep it on when there are multiple opponents in the line of fire, as you will deal damage for more of the time Sun Ray is active. I also reccomend using it on the initiator/tank of the enemy team, as this deals the most damage.

Supernova
Supernova is Icaruss ultimate, and most powerful skill. However, it is situational so be careful when you use it. Only use it in large team battles(against 3 or more enemies.) It takes a long time to stun, but you are still helping your team because it deals heavy DoT before detonation. To ensure your survival, hit as many opponents as possible with Icarus Dive, then immidiately activate Supernova. If you and/or your teammates are not retarded, they should attack the enemy heroes, forcing them to either kill the sun and be destroyed by your allies, or engage your allies and be destroyed by you. Think of it as Rupturing a whole team.

Gameplay and Builds
Now I will tell you what I generally skill first and buy on Icarus, as well as some good strategies to use while using Icarus.

Lane Control Build
1-Icarus Dive/Fire Spirits
2-Fire Spirits/Icarus Dive
3-Icarus Dive/Fire Spirits
4-Fire Spirits/Icarus Dive
5-Icarus Dive/Fire Spirits
6-Supernova
7-Fire Spirits/Icarus Dive
8-Icarus Dive/Fire Spirits
9-Fire Spirits/Icarus Dive
10-Sun Ray
11-Supernova
12-Sun Ray
13-Sun Ray
14-Sun Ray
15-Stats
16-Supernova

Justification
This build maximixes Icaruss role as a support ganker, as well as making use of Fire Spirits while they are powerful. Sun Ray is taken later as it doesnt heal, have an AoE, or deal semi-reliable damage like Spirits do. Dive is taken as a good harassing, blinking, and killing skill.

Heavy Killing[RISKY] Build
1-Icarus Dive
2-Sun Ray
3-Icarus Dive
4-Sun Ray
5-Icarus Dive
6-Supernova
7-Icarus Dive
8-Sun Ray
9-Sun Ray
10-Stats
11-Supernova
12-15-Stats
16-Supernova

Justification
This is a very risky build. It severely cripples his support role, but gives him excellent killing power. Dive is maxed, then Ray, as these have the highest damage potential out of his 3 skills. With this build, and a good lane mate, you should easily get 2-4 kills in the first 10 minutes. Keep in mind that this also leaves YOU wide open to ganks, because of the nasty health cost on Laser. Fire Spirits is skipped completely, as they are worthless by level 12.

All-Game Strategy
Gank, gank, gank, gank, gank. Did I mention gank? Icaruss primary role is a ganker. All game you should be helping kill enemy heroes. NEVER GO AND FARM. Icarus is not a carry and never will be. Gank with Icarus by Diving the target then using Fire Spirits. Let them charge up, and use them to heal any allies (or yourself) that have taken significant damage.

Another thing Icarus is pretty good at is pushing, if you are intelligent about it. Use Dive on enemy creeps and defending enemy heroes if you dont smell a fight or gank coming soon, and use fully charged Spirits to heal yourself and your creeps and damage enemies. Dont 1v1. Icarus doesnt have the attack speed or the most significant nukes to do it.

Early Game
Early game, lane agressively, pushing towers and going for hero kills. Focus on denying rather than lasthitting, especially when facing a strong lategamer. Pick up a Bracer or Null Talisman to start, then buy a Mana Booster when going for in-lane kills, Boots of Speed if going for ganks. This is a part of the game where most heroes cant compare to your laning and ganking presence, so maximize this opportunity to supress your opponents.

Middle Game
Midgame is when you shoud really start aggressively pursuing towers and trying to force teamfights. You still deal significant nuke damage, and the DoT and stun on your ultimate is nothing to sniff at. If possible, end the game here, as for the most part, the late game is a cold place for Icarus. By now, you should at least have Arcane Boots and anywhere from 700-1600 gold. Spend it on a Perseverance. Then, proceed to build a Bloodstone. Again, ideally the game should end here..

Middle Game
Late game, play much more passively as the carries are now farmed andready to kick your ass. In ganks and fights, Dive everyone and Laser your target of choice. If you are about to die, use Supernova. Dont initiate fights with it anymore as even with the 3 second disarm with Dive, carries and basically everyone else can get those 7 hits in. For items, basically anything is fine after Bloodstone, as long as it provides health or regeneration.

Replays
No replays available at the moment, as Icarus is currently banned in -cm.

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The Ugly Americans Guide To Britain Part 1

The Ugly Americans Guide To Britain Part 1

(When Im not writing games, I love to travel foreign lands and write snarky and occasionally helpful journals about what I saw. This is one of six articles about my recent two-week trip through Britain. Some of the content is a little more adult that what I put on this blog. If you are below sixteen or so, you should go here. Anything offensive should be blamed on jet lag hallucinations.)

In June, my wife and I went to the United Kingdom for a two week vacation. We did not take our two young daughters with us as we wanted to, you know, have fun.

Whenever we tell people we meet on the road that we left our two girls at home, we get a funny look, a mix of sympathy and harsh judgment. How, they wonder, could anyone leave adorable little moppets at home, when they could be here, costing lots of money and keeping us from ever focusing on anything for one minute without squealing, "Were bored!" in perfect unison. It is a mystery. But I digress.

Though we have visited many foreign lands, going to Britain is a unique pleasure for two reasons. First, my wife and I were exposed to Monty Python and Doctor Who at an impressionable age and are thus lifelong anglophiles. And, second, Britain has not, for the most part, subscribed to the irritating and pernicious affectation of speaking languages other than English.

We are writing these journals as a way of sharing our experiences, to teach the reader something about this mysterious and exotic land. And, of course, to make fun of it.

General Notes on Britain, Set the First

First off, were going to Britain. Or the U.K. It is not a vacation in England. That is because we are also going to Scotland, and the Scots can get rather tetchy when you refer to them as English. And then they will punch you, because they are drunk.

We are traveling using the Rick Steves philosophy, as described in his Europe Through the Backdoor series. According to him, we are supposed to strive to have a "backdoor experience" when we travel, where you meet with the locals and bond with them and understand their ways. I dont know why Im going along with this, as I do not, in fact, like people. I think its because, try as I might, I just cant stop giggling whenever he says, "backdoor experience."

Heh. Backdoor experience.

Anyway. Britain. They drive on the left side of the road there. This scares many tourists into not renting a car, even though the really scary part of this isnt the driving. It is the walking. Already, several times, I have, in my practiced city way, reached a street, looked to the left, saw no cars, stepped into the street, and thought, "Oh. I could have just been killed." Both driving and walking are insanely dangerous. Just hide in your B&B and try to digest your pork-laden British breakfast. Its for the best.

Stop 1 - Bath

Pronounced "Bahth."

Bath was, in Roman days, a religious and leisure center, and Romans came from miles around to bathe in natural springs there. They went to take baths. Thus, Bath. A literal-minded people, the British are.

Then, in the 1700s, it became the fashionable place to be, and kings and lords, mistresses in tow, came to wear fashionable clothes and take the waters and prance and gad about. About this time, many gorgeous buildings, houses and shops and whatnot, were built. Time went on, but the buildings remain, because if you live in one of the pretty tourist-friendly buildings, you cant change anything inside or outside without official permission.

Its a gorgeous city, really lovely and fun to walk through. And Bath is determined to keep everything beautiful so that five hundred years from now, humans (or radioactive cockroaches) will be able to come here and feast their eyes (or chitonous sense-appendages) upon their beauty. Its a huge tourist destination, and, like Venice, its lousy with tourists all the time.

The people of Bath seemed to have a real pride in their city and a desire to show it off, which I found really charming. Apart from the ruins of the Roman baths, the main tourist attraction is the free two hour walking tour, where the city gets explained and shown off by an elite cadre of local volunteers. They walk you around, explain the architecture, and get hilariously angry over some plate glass windows that got installed in the 1860s, or a few oak trees that got planted well over two centuries ago.

Its really not like the US, where a 30 year roof is considered a serious investment. Everything there, even new stuff, is built out of huge blocks of stone in the 1700s style, and made to last, like, forever. When I asked the guide about it, he got a little defensive, as if he thought the Yank was going to pick an argument about it, but I totally wasnt. All of the buildings there are held in trust by the residents, and they want the citizens of Bath centuries from now to be able to have the same lovely town/tourist destination. You may buy a house, but youre only borrowing it from posterity. Itll be here long after youre gone. If you paint your 18th century townhouse purple, you arent just being an idiot now. Youre screwing the tourist trade for centuries to come.

But I cant work my head around your town being this eternal thing. When you move in, youre just the next tenant in a long line, and youll be there in that stone shell until you die and they scrape you out and someone else gets slotted in, and so on forever. Having grown up in a disposable world, its a really fascinating thing to see, but a place where every single window and fence is older than my entire country is very unnerving.

Stonehenge

Several companies offer day or half-day bus trips from Bath to nearby sights. We took one to Stonehenge, because you have to. We dutifully got the audio tour and walked around the big mossy rocks and got sunburnt and there were sheep everywhere and it was very nice.

Nobody knows why Stonehenge was built, but the audio tour helpfully gave a full selection of theories. One of them was, I swear to god, that Satan built it because Merlin asked him to. I feel that even bringing up this nonsense was a violation of the sacred trust between an audio guide and my ear. Look, I dont want to come across as Mr. 21st Century Super-Rational Know-It-All, but, while I dont know who built Stonehenge, I am reasonably confident that it wasnt Satan.

Also, the bus tour showed us many houses that still have actual thatched roofs. This is taking the history preservation thing way too far. Once the roofing material of choice for the seriously poor, thatched roofs are now insanely expensive to maintain. And yet, they do. So pillory me for having a closed mind, but I going to draw the line here at living under a shelter of black, rotting, delightfully flammable straw.

Our bus tour also went to a small village called Lacock, which is being preserved in as close to its original, charming, medieval appearance as possible. They cant have satellite dishes, but the houses all have cable, so they dont have to live like animals. Its very scenic, and lots of TV and movies get filmed there. Theres a million old buildings on the isle of Britain, but very few of them ever got to be Harry Potters house.

I should have appreciated the village more, but I was too busy giggling, in my unendingly juvenile way, over the pronunciation of the towns name. Its Lay-Cock. Heh. Anyway, the town is very pretty, and you should drive there. Its on the A350, between Ballmouth and Oralshire.

Fun Britain Fact #1

The British are completely addicted to tea, but they dont call it tea. They call it "skag." Just say, "I am really desperate for some skag," and everyone will nod knowingly.

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The Ugly Americans Guide To Britain Part 3

The Ugly Americans Guide To Britain Part 3

(One more vacation journal, and then Ill go back to writing about games for a while. When Im not making games, I love to travel foreign lands and write snarky and occasionally helpful journals about what I saw. This is the third article about my recent two-week trip through Britain. Some of the content is a little more adult that what I put on this blog. If you are below sixteen or so, you should go here. Anything offensive or misguided should be blamed on the dysfunctional American educational system.)

General Notes on Britain, Set the Third

Despite the islands reputation, we have eaten a lot of really delicious food here. Thats not to say there isnt a lot of terrible food here. Im sure there is, but thats true everywhere. Ive eaten a lot of totally crap food in France and Italy.

But if you keep your eyes open and choose carefully, there is a lot of deliciousness, even in pubs. And it makes sense. Britain has excellent meat (most of it grass-fed), great fruits and vegetables, fantastic cheese, and really tasty candy bars. My advice if looking for good food? Look for a place that brags that its ingredients are "locally sourced." That means that at least its heart is in the right place.

Also, we have started each days with the legendary, much feared English Breakfasts. Its pretty much the default tourist chow at any B&B you care to name. Its an egg, a sausage link, a piece of bacon, a roasted tomato, tinned beans, toast, OJ, and the caffeine of your choice. And black pudding, if the place is awesome.

It sounds scary, but its really not. Laid out on the plate, it is, by American standards, a pretty modest meal. Hell, Ive picked less food than that out of my teeth and belly folds before I go to bed. But its a jolt of protein and energy thats perfect for powering you through 12 hours of high-octane touristing. The one day I went without it, I was headachy and miserable by the end of the afternoon. So I am addicted.

Also, speaking of giant jolts of fat. I am very pleased to say that, after vacations being intimidated by the delicate and gazelle-like French, I have to say that the English are of a body build I am ... lets say, more familiar with. As a picked-last-for-sports tubbenheimer from back in the day, I feel very at home here.

Stop 3 - York

York is, even by British standards, old. It was a major Roman fort and local capitol. They built big walls around it. Then the Normans took it over and made the walls bigger. Then the English came along and made the walls bigger. Most of those walls are still there, albeit with big holes in them. But I met a Scot who knows a guy who knows a guy who can fix those holes for thirty quid.

When youre in York, everywhere you go, you can turn and see ancient walls and parapets and arrowslits and murder holes. So, for a Dungeons & Dragons goober like me from back in the day, being there was like a 36 hour orgasm.

York is very generously laid out for the sore-footed tourist, as just about everything an outsider would want to see is inside the city walls, in one small, easily traversed clump. There is the expected street after street of gorgeous old architecture. Wood buildings that somehow survived from the middle ages. Rows of Victorian townhouses. A working portcullis by the east gate. (Squeee!)

Visiting towns like this, its easy to imagine that all of the British live like this, in gorgeous, architecturally interesting five story houses. They dont. Actually, a huge chunk of them live in cruddy flats, like we do, sitting on the couch, watching boobies on the lookybox (again, the British word for a "telly") and eating pie.

But then again, looking out the window of the train, I have seen countless developments of row after row of brick houses with heavy tile roofs, each of them built like a brick shithouse, if that brick shithouse was then expanded into a full house. Even their suburbs have great age-envy. Their 20th century houses havent been around for 500 years, but they look pretty good for lasting the next 500.

Anyway. York. Like Bath, much of the fun was just walking around and gawking. Seeing a six hundred year old building slumping lazily toward the street is always amusing. But the two name-attractions for us were York Minster and the Castle Museum.

York Minster is a gothic cathedral, the largest of its kind in northern Europe. Apparently, there are people out there who get super-excited about cathedrals, but Im not an aficionado.

York Minster was started in the 13th century and only finished 250 years later (isnt that just like contractors?), full of cool art and medieval stained glass. Its also full of history. For example, its where Edward the First ("Longshanks" to you, because nicknames were awesome back then) convened parliament to figure out how to kill Mel Gibson before he could impregnate his daughter, or something. I dont know. All the kings and wars and sieges are starting to get a little bit tangled for me. At this point, whenever a tour guide shows me a wall or alley or something, I just say, "Did dudes get killed here?" and hes, like, "Totally!", and I nod and take a picture and we move on. Theres a gorgeous shard of ruined abbey wall sticking out of the ground, from when Henry the 18th destroyed it to save Catholocism from the Huns, or something. Im sure thats what my guide said, but I think the English breakfasts are giving me ham-hallucinations.

If youre going to England, you should know that at no point in the last thousand years has a week gone by without a civil war or beheaded queen or pope-stabbing or Celtic insurrection. Do not, under any circumstances, try to keep any of it straight. If you try to figure out the difference between Henry the Third and Richard the Twelfth and Edward the Umpty-Tumpth, you will go mad, and anyway all that intrigue was made up to sound good for the tourists. Mary, Queen of Scots actually has as much historical reality as the Loch Ness Monster. In reality, from 1000 AD to 1900 AD, Britain was ruled in constant peace and tranquility by a secret circle of elves. So, now that you know that, you can let all the stabbings and dethronings wash over you without letting them worry you too much.

Anyway. York Minster. Almost every day, they have a free Evensong service (a lot of cathedrals do this, by the way), where you can sit in the grandeur and listen to a gorgeous sung service. Now, its officially church, so you have to be respectful and stand and sit when they tell you to and pretend to pray, but its very cool and itll make you feel in touch with the centuries of violent crazy people that came before you, and I highly recommend it.

Oh, and its free. They dont charge admission for church, which kind of makes sense.

The other stop we truly enjoyed was the Castle Museum. Its in a castle, not about castles. It is a museum dedicated to displaying every detail of life in Victorian and 20th century times. There are displays about housework, and mourning, and the home front in WW2, and the sixties, and so on, complete with antiques and highly detailed recreations of rooms from the times. This sort of thing can be horrible, but the place was completely fascinating.

I also found it very helpful. Most of my fun comes from sitting around and listening to adorable accents. After listening to adults for a while, I felt that listening to small children talking in their cheery little pip pip tally-ho voices would be the living end. So I considered hanging out outside a school when it lets out, but then it occured to me that any plan that begins with "Hang out near the school when it lets out" might be ill-considered.

But the Castle Museum was full of flocks of British schoolchildren, walking in lines in their uniforms and being educated and bored. It was adorable. So that was covered.

One of the big reliefs on the trip has been that, even in very touristy cities, unless you are actually in a museum or other attraction, the vast majority of the people on the street are locals. People live here! I went to a great deal of effort and expense to go somewhere and be a foreigner. I see Americans fat, slack-jawed faces all the time, thank you very much. When I travel, I want to see the dull, pallid faces of unappealing strangers from all around the globe.

Fun British Fact #3

The U.K. currently has a huge problem with alcoholism. This is an actual true fact. However, this does have the happy side-effect that the drunken idiots who paraded shouting past your hotel room at 3 in the morning were probably locals, not ugly Americans. So dont be ashamed!

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The Outgoing Goblins Guide to Gaming Etiquette

The Outgoing Goblins Guide to Gaming Etiquette

(This is a slightly updated article I wrote for the late, lamented Dragon magazine back in the day. It is a humorous summary of all I learned from many years of playing Dungeons & Dragons. It is also darn funny. I havent checked to see how many of the rights to this article I signed away when it was published. However, since they never bothered to pay me for the article, to Hell with them.)

The Outgoing Goblins Guide to Gaming Etiquette

Etiquette is the art and science of living together happily. It is the set of rules which maintains the peacefulness of civilization. It is the salve which soothes society when it becomes chafed.

Have you ever been in the middle of a long, happy session of D&D, with everything going great, when suddenly you said the wrong thing, and your whole party suddenly ganged up on you and killed you?

Wow. Me too.

Fortunately, Ive learned from all the times this has happened to me. This guide is a way of giving something back to the community from which I have taken so much. Follow the advice within, and you will shine as a beacon of politeness to all your fellow patrons of the geekly arts.

The Outgoing Goblin Says: Just because youre playing a chaotic evil thief doesnt mean you should be rude. Read on and follow my advice, even when every ounce of common sense tells you you shouldnt! Youll be glad you did!

Dos and Donts of the Proper Role-Player

It is a terrifying thing to play a character, massively outnumbered by monsters, surrounded by huge forces you cant understand, trying to keep your dice from mingling overmuch with the dice of the player next to you. Here are some simple rules to help hold off your inevitable, grisly death a short period of time.

• DONT stand up, point at the DM, and shout "Youre not the boss of me!"
• DO regale your friends with tales of high role-playing adventure. Whats the point of having Frodalf make 3rd level if you cant tell your pals about it in intense, soul-crushing detail?
• DONT ask the magic user how much mana is left in his pool.
• DO give your characters classic fantasy names, to help get people in the proper mood. "Bilbo" and "Mel Gibson" are excellent choices.
• DONT blow cigarette smoke in the DMs face after casting a fireball, no matter how much it helps him to "feel the fantasy."
• DO adopt a special voice to use when your character speaks. Your fellow players will feel much more immersed in the fantasy after thirty minutes in a room with "Squeeky, The Gnome With A High-Pitched Voice."
• DONT try to get an automatic rifle for your character. The DM will be forced to give the orcs rocket launchers in the name of game balance.

The Outgoing Goblin Says: Well, this may not be so bad. In my games, the ogres tend to come equipped with energy pistols and canisters of the bubonic plague. But then, my campaigns tend to be more lively and fast-paced than most.

Good manners are, of course, not for the player alone. Believe it or not, sometimes the Dungeon Master should play nice too. Not too much, of course, or the players will take advantage, shifty vermin that they are. Never trust them for a moment.

• DO blow cigarette smoke into a players face after an enemy throws a fireball at him or her. It will help that player "feel the fantasy".
• DONT give the ogres canisters of the bubonic plague until a character in the party can cast Cure Disease. Fair is fair.
• DO make fantasy speech mandatory. Common use of phrases like "Prithee, my liege." and "Huzzah!" create an environment that makes the players feel blissfully adrift in time and space. (Example: "Prithee my liege, but if mine +1 dagger doesnt end up back in my pack on the nonce, I will have to kick some serious elven butt, huzzah!")
• DONT forget to encourage serious thought. Try making your players have to answer a riddle before they can leave the dungeon. Nothing builds the self-esteem like coming up with that brilliant answer after a mere three hours of saying "It is the sun? No? Then how about a snail?"
• DO encourage role-playing by enforcing an "If you say it, your character says it!" rule. In the middle of a dungeon, do you really want your elf to say "Hey, Jason, get me a coke?" Or "Arrgh. My chest. Aaaghh! Where are my nitroglycerine pills?" Certainly not.

See? Nothing but good, simple, common sense. If any of this seems strange or inappropriate to you, well, its a good thing you read this article before you really embarrassed yourself, isnt it?

Helping Build a Balanced Party

Remember, the central element of every great drama is conflict. When creating your character, be sure to do so in a way that maximizes conflict! Keep things interesting! Does your friend plan to play a shifty, untrustworthy thief? You must play a Paladin. Is Erik playing a laser gun toting alien hunter? Then be an alien in human disguise, and lay your eggs in his torso as soon as possible. Is the DMs girlfriend in the game? Then do something to tick her off, by all means!

The Outgoing Goblin Says: Any campaign in which the DMs girlfriend plays is destined to be rich, exciting, and complicated. Especially after they break up.

There is no better time for exciting role-playing and intrigue than when splitting up the loot. Look at is this way. Think about how important it is to get paid at your job. This of the loot as your characters salary. Imagine working hard at, say, McDonalds, cleaning the grease traps and mopping the floors and waiting for the end of the month when, finally, you will get that Girdle of Hill Giant Strength youve been busting your butt for. But then, when the time comes, the shift manager tries to stick you with a lousy +1 Glaive-guisarme instead! And youre not even proficient in Glaive-guisarme!

Ill tell you what, that is the time for some serious, noisy role-playing.

The Outgoing Goblin Says: Remember, if your party is created with enough conflicts, you will be able to have hours of wild, noisy action without even making it to the city gates.

Creating a Proper Gaming Environment

All right. The game is at your house tonight. Everyone will be coming over in three hours. You look around your living room. Everything is neat and clean. There is no debris on the couch. The carpet is freshly vacuumed. There are no strong odors of any kind. So everything is perfect and ready for the game, right?

No! You dunce! What were you thinking?

Remember, we are trying to imagine ourselves in a fantasy environment here! Were the middle ages sterile and clean? No! They were pretty stinky, actually. So, before your players come over, you must provide a fantasy-like gaming environment:

• Pens. Pencils. Paper.
• Spare dice and rulebooks.
• Tortilla chips.
• Comfortable chairs.
• A fair amount of grime, lint, and dirt.
• Open flames.
• Live snakes.
• Ethereal, fantasy-themed music on the stereo. I recommend Rush. Or Jethro Tull, in a pinch.
• Numerous copies of Dragon magazine. We cant stress this one enough.
• Mysterious "blood stains" on the floor. If you cant figure out a way to create realistic looking blood stains, I recommend using blood.
• A large pot of suet, organ meat, or other appropriate medieval food.
• A rich, musty, dungeon-like odor.

And remember ... science has shown that if something is good, ten times as much of it is ten times better, at least. Thus, you should strive to provide everything on this list. That way, if the screams caused by the presence of snakes distracts you, you can always just turn up the stereo.

Follow the Standard Rules of Etiquette

When we spend a happy evening gaming, we create a new, fantastic world in our caffeine-addled minds. However, our corporeal bodies, sadly, remain in this world, growing older and rounder. This means that, since we remain in this world, we have to live by the rules of etiquette everyone else lives by every day.

Your mother was right. Please and Thank You are magic words, just as capable of opening doors as any magic spell. There are lots of other magic words, too. Like Critical Hit, and Im Bleeding To Death, and Huzzah! These are phrases which make every gaming session run a little bit smoother.

When your host has you over for a gaming session, be a gracious guest. Compliment his collection of Star Trek novels. Dont spill Mountain Dew on the Firefly DVDs. Dont point how lame he was for buying a Wii, when Playstation III has much better graphics and plays Blu-Ray. Instead, compliment his taste in furniture and wall decoration, and, if he has crusty dishes stacked in the sink, just think of it as his effort to create a "dungeon-like" atmosphere.

The Outgoing Goblin Says: How can you role-play exploring a gruesome, dungeon-like atmosphere when youre not actually IN a gruesome, dungeon-like atmosphere? You think goblins fold and put away their laundry? No!

And, finally, after a good session of gaming, one should always send a proper thank you note, hand-written on some sort of lovely stationary:

Dear Mr. Dungeon Master,

Thank you very much for having us over for that lovely adventure last Saturday. Also, thank you very much for the lovely +1 longsword. It was exactly what my character needed, and the experience points I received for getting it really hit the spot. Ha ha.

Also, Id like to apologize for that little misunderstanding that we had. I was mistaken. You are, in fact, the boss of me. Im sorry for any upset my loud and unexpected outburst caused you.

- Warmest Regards,

Jeff Vogel

The Importance of Timeliness and Understanding

It is a sad fact of our role-playing lives that most campaigns are killed by indifference and the absence of players.

The Outgoing Goblin Says: Well, actually, most of MY campaigns are killed by a natural 20, an orc, and a rocket launcher, but, as I mentioned earlier, my campaigns are a bit more lively and high-spirited than most.

If you are the DM, it is important to be flexible when players miss sessions. If Sue cant make it, let another player play Sues character. Give that player one of Sues magic items as a gratuity for the extra work. Or, you can run Sues character as an NPC. Playing Sue yourself will give you a chance to humorously satirize some of Sues more notable personality traits and verbal tics. This will help you work out frustration over the time Sue spilled Mountain Dew on your Firefly DVDs.

If you are a player, on the other hand, try to meet the DM halfway. Suppose that the gamemaster for the evening, Frederick, walks in carrying a copy of the module Scum Orcs of the Hills. He sets out a box with twenty carefully painted Scum Orc miniatures. An issue of Dragon magazine drops from his pack and falls open to the well worn article "Ecology of the Scum Orc." For the sake of realism, he has carefully cultivated a personal scent very similar to that of a Scum Orc. He lays out a map of the hills surrounding your village. And he asks you, "What do you do now?"

This is NOT the point where you say "We go to the lowlands and hunt kobolds." Not unless you want to find yourselves face to face with kobolds wielding rocket launchers and canisters of the ebola virus.

A Helpful Example

In closing, I would like to present a transcript of one of my recent gaming sessions with four of my friends. It was a pleasant experience for all concerned, and everyone was so polite that I could barely stand it. Read, and learn.

The group for this session consisted of Player A (chaotic-evil thief), Player B (chaotic-evil thief), Player C (lawful-good paladin), and Player D (chaotic-evil fighter/thief). The DM was, as is ideal, me.

(Note that this is a near-perfect group for the creation of exciting role-playing. A group like this can have hours of enjoyable treachery and intrigue over the discovery of a single healing potion.)

Me: OK. The gnoll is dead. Unfortunately, your attacks damaged its kevlar vest too much for it to be of use.

Player A: OK. We head west.

(I bend down behind my screen to see what comes next. As I look, someone slaps it with the palm of his or her hand, smacking me in the nose. I jump up.)

Me: Who did that?

Player B (pointing at C): It was her!

Player C: You sneak!

Player D: Huzzah!

Me: OK, Player B. You get 500 experience for helping.

(Always be polite and reward people who help you.)

Player D: Prithee, my liege!

Player C (to Player B): Ill get you for this.

Me: And Player C, your character catches tuberculosis.

Player C: Im breaking up with you.

Me: OK, done. You also lose your paladin-hood.

Player C: OK. I become a chaotic-evil thief.

Me: Excellent! Done.

Player A: OK. Like I said, we head west.

Player C: I backstab Player B.

(All right! Now were getting some interesting conflict! Now none of the players will find out that I forgot to design an adventure.)

Player B: Ow. Dang. I drink my healing potion.

Me: You look in your pouch and realize that its gone.

Player B: OK, who has my healing potion?

Player C: I run behind player B and backstab her again.

(And so on. This goes on for about an hour of pure, scheming fun.)

Me: Suddenly, you are distracted by an explosion. You look up and see a dozen scum orcs on the crest of a nearby hill. One has a rocket launcher, and the rest are holding small metal canisters of some sort.

Player A: I pull out my wand and shoot a magic missile at them.

Me: Your wand is gone.

Player D (stands up, points at me, shouts): Youre not the boss of me!

Great, huh? Like I said before, there is nothing like a little bit of good manners to create a lively, non-stop, action-packed gaming session. See you in the dungeon! Huzzah!

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The Ugly Americans Guide To Britain Part 2

The Ugly Americans Guide To Britain Part 2

(When Im not writing games, I love to travel foreign lands and write snarky and occasionally helpful journals about what I saw. This is the second of five articles about my recent two-week trip through Britain. Some of the content is a little more adult that what I put on this blog. If you are below sixteen or so, you should go here. Anything offensive should be blamed on a hormonal imbalance caused by too much haggis.)

General Notes on Britain, Set the Second

People in Britain have an accent. And, by that, I mean that they have about 400 accents. While watching the telly (or, as they call it, the "Looky Box"), I saw a comedian do a bit about how everything sounds more reassuring in a Manchester accent. So there is a Manchester accent, and that means something. Societies that develop on islands can get a little bit odd.

Still, just listening to people talk is one of the funnest things about coming here. I simply cant get tired of it. My main attraction is going to a pub (which is not difficult, as every building is a pub) and listening. I also try to talk to people, but I have to be careful and not say any of my opinions about the ridiculousness of soccer or how cute it is that they have, get this, a queen. Otherwise I might say the wrong thing, and someone might hear me and be feeling all drinky-punchy, and Ill hear someone behind me shout, "Oi!" Which is British for, "Pardon me, but I am about to give your ass a truly extensive kicking."

The language on this island is an intriguing dialect of English. They have lots of funny words for things. For example, the primary currency is the "pound", but they will often refer to it as a "squid." A sample conversation might go: "Can you give me change for this squid?" "Sure, luv. Here are one guinea, three farthings, two bob, a crown, six hapennies, a half crown, a mega-crown, a mecha crown, and a pennywhistle." "Thats not enough! There should be another farthing. You have cheated me, mlord." "Oi!" "(Sound of face being punched.)"

Also, the British, like most of the rest of the world, love a sport called soccer. I got to watch them watch a World Cup match where their team fought Algeria to a scorching, hard-fought 0-0 tie.

I know. I know. While Im there, Im supposed to call it "Football." But, if you live in the U.S. and are in the U.S., calling soccer "football" is truly affected.

Also, football sounds like it should be the name of a cool, kick-ass, exciting sport. Any sport where a 0-0 outcome is not only plausible but, in fact, common isnt sweet enough to have an awesome name like Football. Soccer isnt even cool enough to be called Soccer. I think it should have a more appropriate name, like "Fancy-pants grass-prancing."

I also got to be there when Germany beat England 4-1 in what was, based on the media reaction, the worst thing to ever happen to anyone anywhere. Apparently, England scored an unquestionable goal that would have tied up the game, but it was disallowed because the referee wasnt close enough to get a good look at it and there is no goal referee and no instant replay review. Hey, just because its the most popular sport in the world doesnt mean they should drop a few extra bucks to actually get the thing officiated properly. After a couple weeks of exposure both to the alleged entertainment of World Cup soccer and to the people who love it, Ive come to the conclusion that I could like soccer, except that I dont hate myself enough.

Stop 2 - Edinburgh

Before I start, I have to send a quick message out to the Scottish people.

I cant understand a goddamn word any of you are saying.

This is not to be taken as a criticism. I love ya, baby. Dont ever change. I am instead saying it as a way of fostering greater understanding between our peoples. I would only point out that the Scottish crime thriller Sweet Sixteen, which came out in 2002, had to have subtitles, and it was entirely in English.

I may be exaggerating here slightly. Most of the time, I could kind of understand what Scottish people were saying. But there is something about that accent that just lends itself to being dialed up to 11.

But I still completely love listening to it. I could listen to Scottish people talk all day, and since all of them that I met seemed inclined to talk all day, we were a good fit. For example, when my wife and I were sitting in the park, a crazy old woman just in from her tiny village in western Scotland, sat down next to us and started telling us all of her racist terrorism conspiracy theories, I just sat, back, relaxed, and let her brogue wash over me. Sure, her thick accent made it impossible for me to tell exactly what she was saying about the Jews. (My guess? Not a fan.) But it was still lovely until she started explaining how Barack Obama was a secret Muslim terrorist. Then we lied about our urgent dinner reservations and ran off. Sorry, crazy Scottish lady. We get enough of that particular shit at home.

Also, I have pretty much fallen in love with Scottish women. Bear in mind I am only writing based on my own personal observations, but they are all completely punk and scary and thoroughly tattoed and hot and ready to cut you at a moments notice. Im not saying I want to be 20 and single again but, if in some horrible Twilight Zone future I was, I would save up my pennies and hop a flight to Edinburgh. Then, in a bar somewhere, Id catch the eye of some pierced lass and wed talk and Id swoon and the next three days would be a blur and Id wake up in a bathtub full of ice with a broken heart and no kidneys.

Yes, the northern half of this island is pretty scrappy. Their women all look ready to get to it and breed the next generation of Scottish warriors. And yet, Scotlands birth rate is very low. Perhaps, inspired by the arachnid, they eat the livers of those they love in moments of unguarded coital enthusiasm. The theory sounds crazy until you see these women. Theyre pretty awesome.

And believe me, the Scottish dont mess about. Edinburgh Castle isnt just some frou frou toy castle where nobles ponce about at each other. Thats one of those ancient occasionally-razed-to-the-ground spires where the shit gets real for real. And the National Museum of Scotland is a glorious and unapologetic monument to all things Scottish. Not just Roman artifacts but plants and stuffed animals and the curling stone they used to win a gold medal but also plenty of swords and thumbscrews and The Maiden, a big alarming pre-guillotine contraption used to behead people for several productive centuries. See, if youre going to build a big shiny expensive history museum, by God its going to be full of the remains of Pictish human sacrifice and machinery used to kill hundreds of dudes. Scotland is a serious place.

Fortunately, I passed three days without referring to anyone as English. The Scots and the English have a ... complicated relationship. Ill put it this way. One display in the National Musuem mentions that Scotlands largest immigrant group is the English. Think about that one. Look at it this way. When someone moves from California to Seattle, theyre not considered an
immigrant.

(I might want to call them that, but that doesnt make it true.)

The guy who ran our B&B was a loud, boisterous, opinionated Scotsman straight out of central casting. We were the only people staying there, so, based on the odor in the hallway, our innkeeper divided his time evenly between looking after us and smoking joints the size of my forearm.

Scotlands primary scary local delicacy is, of course, haggis. Based on what I could tell from those I talk to, it does get eaten. Not a lot, and often with other things (chicken stuffed with haggis is a common dish). I mean, theyre not dumb, and they know Pizza Hut exists, so they arent eating it every day. But it does get eaten, and the canned haggis I saw in the supermarket proudly proclaims that it is 45% lung.

We ate at one truly superb modern fine British cuisine type restaurant, where I had Scottish venison with venison haggis. I asked our loyely young waitress what parts they use in the haggis. She looked at me like Id just asked her what the color blue smells like. "So what is in the haggis?" "Its ... haggis." "I mean, what organs go into the haggis?" "It contains haggis." She then braced herself for me to ask what the ingredients of the salt were. I guess, when you mince all of an animals internal organs and boil them in spices for long enough, they are transmuted into a new, indivisible base element.

(And, in case you were wondering, haggis tastes like boiled, heavily spiced meat with that unmistakable tinge of organ meat flavor. Whether you would like it depends entirely on your opinion of organ meat. But, considering that they have no shortage of McDonalds, their willingness to tolerate lung meat in any form should be taken as an inspiration to us all.)

Also, you can walk into any pub and get a shot of 16 year aged single cask whiskey that will blow your face off with its awesome for four bucks. That alone would be enough to make me completely fall in love with this city.

Its gorgeous and the food is good and the people-watching is great and the accents are gorgeous. Pretty much took dynamite to blow me out of that place. But I had to go back to England, the only place on this island where you can say anything nice about England without getting beaten up.

Fun British Fact #2

The British words for crisis and opportunity are the same. And that word is "cripeitunity."

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The Undervolting Guide cpu overheating

The Undervolting Guide cpu overheating

The "Undervolting" Guide

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